Excuses for being late to work:

“I dreamed I was fired, so I didn’t want to get out of bed.”

“A raccoon stole my work shoes off my porch.”

“I wasn’t thinking and accidentally went to my old job.”

Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant. Ten minutes into the meal, Luke’s still having trouble with the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere. Obi-Wan finally snaps, “Use the forks, Luke.”

The color purple has been associated with royalty, power and wealth for centuries. In fact, Queen Elizabeth I forbad anyone except close members of the royal family to wear it. Purple’s elite status stems from the rarity and cost of the dye originally used to produce it.

“To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.” — Thomas Edison

 

 

  But wait… there’s more.

Q: Why are so many products priced at $19.95?

A: The price point $19.95 has been the retail price sweet spot years. “When you go above $19.95 you just don’t get a sale,” says Scott Boilen, CEO of Allstar Products Group.

Q: The average American owns 7 of these. What are they?

 

  What happens when your show is 30 minutes and you write just 24 minutes of material? You IMPROVISE. You tell stories. You sing.

 

 

Na na na na na na na na BATMAN!

Joe and Dave know so much Batman trivia, it was hard to get through the whole script. Holy I-Feel-So-Unenlightened.

Tooth enamel is the hardest substance in the human body; however, we do NOT recommend that you use your pearly whites to open bottles!

 

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.

James Bond slept through an earthquake.
He was shaken but not stirred.

 

CAPS LOCK – Preventing Login Since 1980.

What do you call a VW bus at the top of a hill?
A miracle.

What do you call two VW buses at the top of a hill?
A mirage.

What does it mean when someone has a sudden increase in the number of “ums” and “ahs,” is being overly defensive, with  no eye contact?

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.